Getting Weird

The T-Room devours souls.  Or, if your car looks like Lady Geiga's, in that case it just eats your hubcaps, and it's in the form of a very, very rowdy Soul.  Apparently (I refused to go) - all it took was two comments to rile up the sleeping monster (with most likely German heritage) within Soul to rip the caps off with his bare hands.  That being relatively badass, it would have been much worse (better?) had The Mozz not prevented him from totally blowing it and smashing some windows with said caps.  "Hey that car looks like ------'s."  "Yeah, except it has hubcaps."  Fuckin solved that problem didn't we? 

In the meantime I was mouth-breathing at home idly applying online to jobs that companies don't actually want to fill.  It's all just publicity and game for them.  I'm convinced HR departments have design contests where they see who can design the most appealing job that receives the highest numbers of applications.  Such is life.  Chopkins came home at about 1 AM to find me with bloodshot eyes, applying to some place that literally lays pipe, and the first thing he said about his experience at T-Room: "That was a big waste of time."  At least The Mozz wasn't shanked by the pimp that tried giving him advice on hustling.  And at least I wasn't overcharged by 30% for the third consecutive time (by simply not going).

Overdue recap

Friday night turned out to be a shittier version of The Hangover for us.  Shittier by way of not getting thousands of dollars, no one marrying a hot wife, not hanging out with Mike Tyson (although Caddy could make a connection here I think), or basically anything good that happened in that movie.  All we really accomplished was the foolhardy decision to "stay downtown and have a bro night."  What that actually entails is spending way too much money and making total asses of ourselves.  Our deal to buy each other really gay drinks flew awry quickly when the Soul received his in a normal glass and it wasn't even neon colored nor did it have an umbrella.  Thanks, bartender, for giving him something that looks totally hetero but tastes like alcoholic sour patch kids. 

There were many highlights of the night, including leaving Soul's precious Sebring wallowing in the streets of downtown, sure to get a ticket the next morning because there was no way we were waking up before 8 AM.  That decision being made despite the fact that Chopkins was with him (grinding on him) and mostly sober by the time the two of them declined a free ride home 30 minutes before.  They took a cab back as Soul immediately fell asleep and hit his head very forcefully against the window every time the driver took a turn.  

I'm pretty sure that during all of this, Caddy was making himself useful by antagonizing the local Hawaiian population.  Naked.  Well, I guess we all know how that turned out (See: hidden over/under from last weekend).    

Weekend Results

A whole lot happened this weekend, while some others things didn't.  Much can be discussed later, but I'm sure you're all waiting to see how many Domino's orders were placed.

Spreadables:
A.I. skips out of his race on Sunday (+70) against Pushing the pace early.  Although he never had a chance to push the pace early, he was stuck leading C-Mac for the entire race.
Soulb sleeping in past noon (-10) against No averse effects from evening outing. PUSH.  Woke up early to drive downtown to rescue his car three hours after it should have had a ticket, then went back to sleep - way past noon.  Probably the only truly good thing that happened this weekend. 
Business as usual (-14) against The two random guys that are sleeping on our couches upstairs.  Not much to report on this one.  I guess they were pretty cool guys.
Still not really having anything awesome on it (-7) vs. Forcing Derrick Rose to sign my résumé while he's at Chiles. The favorite won this match-up mostly because Derrick Rose sent Joakim Noah in his place and that would only denigrate what little value I have on my résumé.

Over/Under
Domino's orders: 4.5.  Under.  I think only 3 orders were placed.  That's not to say that under 15 pizzas were consumed.    
Domino's pizzas eaten by 5 people in one sitting: 5.5. Unfortunately over.  Still feeling mostly terrible.  No regrets.
Luol Deng:  9.5''.  Push.  Unless someone has a Santonio Holmes-esque picture of this guy, I guess we can't know.  I was expecting one of our Bellevue imports to take care of this but... they probably would never share it with anyone else.

Hidden over/under from the weekend:
Caddy's head/facial area suffering damage: 0.5.  OVER.

Weekend Betting Lines

Time to get these off before anything else happens.  Ugh.

Spreadables:
A.I. skips out of his race on Sunday (+70) against Pushing the pace early.
Soulb sleeping in past noon (-10) against No averse effects from evening outing.
Business as usual (-14) against The two random guys that are sleeping on our couches upstairs.
Still not really having anything awesome on it (-7) vs. Forcing Derrick Rose to sign my résumé while he's at Chiles.

Over/Under
Domino's orders: 4.5
Domino's pizzas eaten by 5 people in one sitting: 5.5
Luol Deng:  9.5''

Night Life in NoPo

Despite the bountiful amounts of fun to be had in downtown Portland, we sure have made a name for ourselves in our local area instead.  And why not?  With the likes of Sundown, the T-Room, and... and... well, with the likes of those two bars, who'd want to go anywhere else?  I mean, when you have the opportunity to pay $9.50 for a pitcher of B-light at T-Room only to be charged $11 because the bartenders are total asshats and want to cover their tip, how could you pass on such a unique pleasure?  Alright so maybe T-Room sucks.  Unless you're Soul or Mozz on a Thursday night.  Then you're fiending for it.  My argument is simple: let's go buy our own product and get weird somewhere else.  It just feels like self-degradation every time Triple H checks us in at the T-Room and I have to sit through at least an hour of him guffawing like a jackass at girls 10 years younger than him and over 130 lbs lighter than him.

On the other hand, the Sundown isn't so bad.  During our Norse comrade's conquest of his 21st birthday, they even gave us free artichoke dip after 100% cutting him off.  How friendly.  By now they've come to know so well the Mozz/Soul duo and their lusting for $1 PBR and free pool that they just embrace it.  And don't even card them anymore.  So that makes them... regulars...?  Well that's good.  Now we can be associated with the owner of the place that has that abnormally huge jaw and perhaps greater hankering for the sauce than our very best combined efforts.

"Our new thing is drinking real shitty whiskey til our eyes hurt." #oldcrow

Summer, we need you.  Employment, you too.

On The Hunt

A lot of people (except, perhaps, our exuberant youthful members) have absolutely no idea what we're doing next year.  The Mozz-el Tov just turned 23 last night, which is kind of scary for him, but much more so for me because I've been that age for five months now and still have my head up my ass.  We're currently facing a comical situation where we have no idea what/where we will be next fall and yet we're looking for housing.  Sounds pretty awkward, because it is.

In the meantime, here is what my resume, and probably others too, should actually look like (in part, of course.  The rest is 100% proprietary forever, thus I'll never have a job):
Objective:
-To secure a position at whatever company thinks I'm worth a damn so I can work my ass off and shmooze my way into a full-time position.
Education:
-*Insert incredibly large undergraduate school here with irrelevant liberal arts BA*
GPA: Darn good.  But wait -- you took "Dinosaurs" in your final semester?  As a... senior...? And... Rocket Science: A+?  Really?  Wow.
-*Insert much smaller school with way less connections with degree in progress (i.e. worthless)*
GPA: Arbitrarily high after a single semester despite probably totally blowing a group project
Experience:
-"This one time I had this one job and it's soooooooo relevant.  See?  Look how I worded everything I did!"
Extracurricular Activities:
-Collegiate jock.  Capitan, if you will.  Gotta reach out to those looking for bilingual candidates.
-Read stories to elementary school kids and I swear if I ever made fun of them for doing something stupid - it was because they deserved it!  Jimmy totally farted in front of his Mandy -- I mean, someone had to point it out.  (smelled terrible)
"Related Skills":
-Everything.  Honest to whichever religion you believe in, because if you hire me I will convert.

"What happened?"

Obviously, much more emphasis has historically been placed on efforts during the Fall season compared to anything else.  Only one example to prove my point is necessary, and it's the sticky tiled (or what's left of them) basement of the Bang House, an aftermath of the Spring term last year.  Now, we find ourselves in an interesting position.  Other than the Daddy and the Stingy Norwegian, all of the other six top players are in a total funk right now.  Let's see, Caddy is busy getting hit in the face by both fists and full cans (by the way dude, jesus christ), Mozz, myself, T-Bar, and Kip City are all variously crippled, thus leading meaningless lives, and A.Scott doesn't even live in this country anymore.  Even his compatriot, the O, is having hamstring issues, but I'm convinced he's just being friendly and trying to fit in.

So... what happened?  A lot of us are just... just old.  I guess that's what happens when you get old.  But T-Bar's youthful spirit is hoped to not be as utterly pulverized as Caddy's face is by now.  I guess we'll see in a couple months.  In the meantime, you can find me getting huge in the weight room with Pretty Ricky, who has absolutely no affiliation whatsoever with that building or any teams that use it.  Other than being a bro, of course.

Many of our hopes now lie within the gleams of this bold visage.

Pros / Cons of Updating this Website

Pros:
-Celebrating timeless photos of the Mozz (and Soul, in this particular case).
-Reflections upon various accusatory allegations of underclassmen (Coors) hooking up with "a two."
-Presumably becoming mortal enemies with people I do not know but in some way horrifically offend.
-Delving through the deepest depths of the interwebs to uncover photos/information that people thought a simple untagging would bury.
-Creating weekend betting lines and wondering how many Domino's pizzas are going to be ordered.

Cons:
-Photos being incriminating or the wrong people freely choosing to view this website.
-Various allegations become publicly known as pseudonyms are not very obscure.
-Being shanked by someone I've never met.
-Wasting time sifting through all the bullshit on Silvey's myspace that he forgot about just to link a shot of him being a doofus.
-Trying to think of interesting new betting lines, and partially forcing myself to eat an entire domino's pizza every weekend.

In any case, if this is to all be undertaken again, much accounting and economics reading will have to be forlorn to allow ample time for me to not win lots of money on Streak For The Cash while being heckled by Soul.  God... Dammit....

There are many things that need a recap or update, and I'm quite excited.  Just a quick preview:
-Possible new feature:  Where in the world is A.Scott?!
-Pullups


I guess that's about it then, right? 



One order of five large domino's pizzas was placed last weekend.