Trending: Tattoos

After Soberding discovered I had a block M brazenly tattooed to my leg, he told me that tattoos were considered to be bold move here (one run at U of M i counted 10 of 12 teammates with tattoos).  I quickly discovered Scott's words to be true.  T-Bar had some tattoos, but jesus, he also had a mullet.  It wasn't looking good.

We all know what has happened since.  Mildy, DP, and William C emigrated here all inked up.  After C-Mac and The DJ got their tattoos, William C thought it'd be fitting to get a lion tattoo.  T-Bar... got his nose pierced.  All this leads to effectively angering Soberding, though he won't admit it.  He's been considering getting an anchor tattoo in honor of the prestigious U.

Let's help him make this decision based on what we can assume from recent tattooing:

Pros:

• People will think your tattoo looks like the "cool font from final fantasy"
• Perceived closeness gained with Jesse.
• Become unique.

Cons:

• One of two parents will never support you again.
• Probably not as unique as you thought.
• Jesse isn't impressed.
• This team remains skeptical of tattoos.  Pussyhands & co. will attempt to make you second-guess your decision after the fact.  What a dick.

A tough decision remains for our white-collared friend.

A very terrible source, likely in a sabotage attempt, informed me that Schnodgras failed even harder last night in another encounter with S.U.F.G. than his pitiful attempt at an e-swoop.  Dammit, get it together man.  Details maybe will follow.

Serious Moves

The Grape Crush has gone private. What this means is not I can say whatever the fuck I want and show wayyy more pictures of naked old men.  Also available to me now is the ability to not make up worthless nicknames to pseudo-conceal people.  I'll probably do that anyway. Yeah you seen it, CyBorg. 


"I mean i can definitely see myself marrying this girl, so everyone else should just back off."
C-Mac is rumored to have gone to a volleyball game with S.U.F.G. and has become visibly rattled at the competition's persistence.  Hope you got that shit on lock for homecoming...



"Dude - spitting so much game at ('Legs Fur Days')" - Pussyhands, who was complimented on his swag by the object of his desire.  It will be interesting to see how this turns out, as Hands's usual method of luring women is by convincing the public that he's gay first so other males don't see him as a threat.

Things that Haunt Xmas

The fact that I would quickly lose in a fight with this person.

Red wine.

This has been mocking me for 2 months now.

Maintaining an unkilled record in Bond.  Or is this a challenge...Kimura...

Le Malde: Efficiency at Work

"This does not taste very good to me.  I do not think that I will order it again." - Le Malde stores useful information for later use concerning Thai Ginger.

Let's discuss not messing around for a moment.  It became clear very quickly that Le Malde had his own agenda when we first imported him from Norway.  His first words, directed at genial team jokester, Mr. Broom, were "Wats up retard." Plainly spoken with each syllable stressed just as mightily as the last, it's easy to imagine the confusion and just-got-my-shit-rocked feeling Broom suffered by being regarded so lowly by the new Norseman.  Try as he may to explain to Le Malde that it wasn't kind or customary to say things like that here, Le Malde responded with "That is what they call you here. The retard," and likely walked away having effectively closed the issue.

Various Methods: Attracting a Mate

Warning: certain links (one) in this post should not be viewed in front of mothers, women, children, classmates, or anyone you care about in any way.  Example relevant for half the team by now (better make moves, C-Mac):  Don't click the link in the presence of S.U.F.G.

*UPDATE* Link replaced.  Safety assured, for now...

"Various Methods" will likely be a theme throughout The Grape Crush, as will "Grape Crush Institutions."  We are a distinguished collective group of gentlemen from many different backgrounds.  As such, it would be good to exbrose the diverse techniques we've become so successful with.

Here we examine potential various methods of Grape Crushers in seeking out or capturing a suitable mate:

Lady Geiga - "Is it female?  Male?  Fuck it - I'm sure I'll have fun with both."
C. Hop - "Is she from another country?  Because the birds here are all munters.  The accent sound remotely UK?  Cheers!"
DMP - "God damn... I look good... but I also look like I'm thirty years old.  Maybe I'll shave..."
Soberding - 00101010100? 001011101110011?  Computing.......  .... ... .... ..... % chance of happiness minimal.  Awaiting breakthrough is advised.
WesTar - "EeYaaaahhh..........I will be taking the sex now."
AI - "You know, one time, I did ocho loko.  No, it was stupid, I wish I didn't do it *followed by long pause with staring off into floor reflecting on what he did* ... ... Ahhhh, the guys on this team are all pussies"
JBass - "What's up?  Want to go grab lunch sometime?- on me!  Alright cool - see ya tomorrow!"
DJ Donglash/Dick Copter/Longshanks - "You know what they call me right?"
Snowflake - "THE I.D. ... I HAVE........."

Grape Crush Institutions: Lombard Domino's with Student I.D.

Much to RC's vegan dismay, this giant as successfully targeted the Grape Crush's post-Friday-workout market as well as others.  When it comes to a quick schlop-fest at a cheap price, it's hard to beat the $5 large.  Foreign investors such as AScott and Malde have taken a keen interest as well, but have some difficulty in execution.

Garce reports: "You should never let foreigners ('investors') order a pizza since they have no idea what they're doing. Lars didn't know his own phone number and asked why he would know it considering he never calls it. Aaron wanted a margarita pizza but really meant a cheese. Lars just kept saying that he wanted a tomato pizza. There's also the fact that Lars made the order on the phone which is interesting in itself since he wanted Aaron to make the call since "Aaron speaks English" (Lars has an accent but it's awesome). The whole thing was quite funny to Connor (ConWhan) and I. I'm sure the pizza guy on the phone with them was very confused."

Other news:  C. Patty is rumored to be involved in the rivalry now as he apparently rode a bike alongside Seeming Unremarkable Freshman Girl as she went on her run.  Jesus.

Chemical Warfare

I learned quickly that the program here was... different... from Michigan's during one of my first conversations with RC.  I was telling him about my season and I'm pretty sure he interrupted me and told me to start taking iron, emphatically betting a nickel that my iron was low.  Maybe Michigan was just old school, but when I get here, sure enough our entire squad is getting iron testing done.

Sure, it's a good thing that these issues are being taken care of here (kind of - I was told I needed an EKG during my physical, still hasn't happened).  *UPDATE*  Sensitive information removed.  But from going from one coach who told me to take 2 shots of whiskey to put me to sleep, to another telling me to take "sleepy magnesium," it's a big transition.  I'd post more about this topic, I'm not going to update it to save the post.

Disclaimer & Purpose

 

I thought it may be worthwhile to some people to give a fair warning.  If you are a freshman or an otherwise sensitive person to what's said on a blog, then don't read this.  Everyone is subject to criticism here, and of course it will be embellished somewhat ruthlessly.  As of right now, no one even knows of this website except for about six people, so I'm not too worried about it.

The main purpose of this endeavor is to provide a satirical forum focusing on relevant issues for the house at 5629.  This obviously includes everything anyone has ever heard of, so there shouldn't be any shortage of topics to be discussed.  This is mostly organized by Xmas, but there will be many guest posts, as some people have discussed interest.  I welcome anyone to submit anything of interest in their own writing.  Email pgchristmas@gmail.com, and generally I'll decide whether or not it gets posted and how many parenthetical additions I make.  

If we can all just be mature about this, I'm sure we can all appreciate it.

Rivalry Week

Various members of our community this week became aware of the same seeming unremarkable freshman girl.  Cmac presumably started the pursuit, followed by a quick, but suspenseful rejection had by Schnodgras:

Schnodman went for a weak e-swoop of Cmac's goods only to embarrass himself and seem creepy as hell.  It went something like this:

Schnod:  hey i totally saw you and you looked at me but didn't recognize me LOL!!
Frightened prospect: haha do I know you?
S:  LOL yeah we have class together!1  we were staring at each other for a while but you didnt say nething
F.P. - Oh.  lol.  sorry.
S:  haha! its OK1!

Shameful.  By now, predictably, the roster for this goal now includes the likes of Schnodgras, Cmac, T-Bar, and other dark horses that will stay unnamed for now.  Until further knowledge is abound, Cmac is currently pissed/emasculated because T-Bar successfully swooped literally 20 minutes before Cmac could act.

Other news:  Pussyhands came back from his fishing trip without fish after claiming that yesterday it was impossible to not catch a fish while the salmon are running.  At least he got some nice pictures of waterfalls with his companion, The Masseuse.