Pilot-Palming-Plaform (PPP) - Guest Post

As I have mentioned before - Guest posts are more than welcome.  It saves me time from my busy life with 9 hours of class/week and it's good to see some new perspectives.  This one comes from a great published author, DJ DongLash:

"Sitting here in my living room, I find myself surveying Portsmouth’s clusterfuck of women’s soccer fans walking aimlessly about and I can’t help but ask, what the fuck is wrong with all of these people? Again and again a roar raises up from the stadium and penetrates my tired eardrums to rattle me awake from my post-longrun nap, rest I need to forget how shitty being wet, cold, and tired for two hours at a time can be. It’s Sunday, godamnit. Calm the fuck down, you crazy bastards.  Today is meant for slumber and masturbating, not for yelling and standing.

What right do you have to break such a reasonable social norm? Don’t you have any common sense? Don’t you know about the internet? Those purple seat cushions would make good palming platforms, anyways (make sure to use lotion or ask me later).

Actually, if I had any balls at all, I’d open my door right now and ask the next perfect Portland Pride nuclear family who walks by who the hell they think they are. And while I don’t have many hopes and dreams, I do wish that, when they turned to face me, I’d at least have the nerve to let my middle-bird out of its cage and say, 'Hey, fuck you.'

Cheers,

Deej"

Other news:  Currently being away from home, I think I just witnessed domestic violence from a house across the street from my location.  Children crying, lots of cuss words, other neighbors standing outside their houses looking around not knowing what to do... NoPo for life!

The State of 5629

Comical. 

• The trash can sat in the front yard filled with soapy water
• The bathroom smells like the entire area was used as the toilet
• Scotty Coors lost his appetite outside the front door
• Dishes piled so as logistically impossible to turn on faucet
• When dishwasher started, it failed and water flooded the kitchen (unforeseen side effect: 30% of kitchen floor now clean)

All this was happening as the Stanford v. Oregon game became more and more infuriating for the Soulberding.

Other news: Big Bob Mosby is now on first name basis at Thai Ginger, seeking the elusive best budday status draws nearer.  Also, some fool keeps posting on LetsRun.  Stop.  The more people forget about the NoPo Crush, the less stressed RC gets.  Give the guy a break, we'll show it when we need to.

Brolling Deep

Grape Crush has a no-bro-left-behind agenda.  I think this morning demonstrated that, but tonight it's especially important to bear in mind.  Not only has homecoming sold out all of its tickets, but now people are talking about sneaking in.  When you guys go to homecoming, remember the step-by-step agenda:

1 - Ditch female dates as soon as possible (why did you take a female date?).
2 - Congregate/Concentrate all Grape Crushers in single, consolidated area.
3 - Belligerently bum rush the dance floor, effectively making it extremely awkward/unexciting for all 1100 people in attendance.
4 - Stick around long past your welcome.
5 - Take the show (20+ dudes) to someone's small house-party, all but 1 person not invited.  Enter discreetly through window.
6 - When asked by douchey person living in house who the hell you are, take extreme offense, snatch what resources you can, and speedily broll out.

I'm sure everyone can have a good time tonight if they remember - we're not celebrating anything.  Just... Business as usual.

Weekend Betting Lines

Giving credit where it's already overdue:  This Grape Crush is modeled very closely after a shmuck's project at the prestigious Columbia U.  The Weekend Odds feature of "The Blerg" is one of my favorites, and I'm bringing it over.  If you're interested in not having any idea what the hell is going on with the Columbia team, click on The Blerg. 

Now, the Weekend Betting Lines:

Spreads:
Half the team's combined pursuit (-30) vs. Charlie's Triumph with S.U.F.G.
Post-Willamette debauchery (-10 now after RC's talk.  Otherwise, -45) vs. Tame Saturday evening
Team G.C. (-18) vs. Combined team of all other individuals at Willamette
Restless nights staring at the ceiling (-25) vs. Xmas sleeping soundly

Over/Under:
Grape Crushers under 25 minutes:  15
People that forget Sunday practice is at 8:30: 1.5
Domino's Orders (extremely relevant, but straight from The Blerg): 2.5

Competition

We're talking Willamette here.  But it's bigger than you know.  Ascott has boldly proclaimed that the "international team is destined for victory!"  The team looks strong with the likes of Scott himself and Chopkins representing the Red Coats, Le Malde the Scandinavian Reich, and Kip City the hopes and dreams of an entire continent.

The Natives team consists of T-Bar, Big Bob, Granddaddy, and Yours Truly.  While some may be perplexed by Granddaddy's involvement, he has vehemently pledged his allegiance and displayed his dogmatic patriotism quite enough.  No, seriously, that's enough now.

Anyway - here's an unbiased projection of how each individual will fare:

Scott - taken out by guerilla warfare tactics no later than the woods in mile 3.  Ever heard of the Revolutionary War?
Chopkins - finally defeats MRSA infection only to contract bubonic plague (Black Death).  With the race result now vastly insignificant given life circumstances, he drops out.
Le Malde - decides the course is preposterously inefficient and that it would be much smarter to run directly to the finish line.  Disqualified.
Kip City - See below

Big Bob/T-Bar/Xmas/Granddaddy - Cross finish line victoriously tied for first place as a bald eagle soars overhead, fireworks explode, and after Kip City stops 5 meters before the line in an attempt to girlfriend-snatch.

Damn it feels good to be American.

Trending: Tattoos

After Soberding discovered I had a block M brazenly tattooed to my leg, he told me that tattoos were considered to be bold move here (one run at U of M i counted 10 of 12 teammates with tattoos).  I quickly discovered Scott's words to be true.  T-Bar had some tattoos, but jesus, he also had a mullet.  It wasn't looking good.

We all know what has happened since.  Mildy, DP, and William C emigrated here all inked up.  After C-Mac and The DJ got their tattoos, William C thought it'd be fitting to get a lion tattoo.  T-Bar... got his nose pierced.  All this leads to effectively angering Soberding, though he won't admit it.  He's been considering getting an anchor tattoo in honor of the prestigious U.

Let's help him make this decision based on what we can assume from recent tattooing:

Pros:

• People will think your tattoo looks like the "cool font from final fantasy"
• Perceived closeness gained with Jesse.
• Become unique.

Cons:

• One of two parents will never support you again.
• Probably not as unique as you thought.
• Jesse isn't impressed.
• This team remains skeptical of tattoos.  Pussyhands & co. will attempt to make you second-guess your decision after the fact.  What a dick.

A tough decision remains for our white-collared friend.

A very terrible source, likely in a sabotage attempt, informed me that Schnodgras failed even harder last night in another encounter with S.U.F.G. than his pitiful attempt at an e-swoop.  Dammit, get it together man.  Details maybe will follow.

Serious Moves

The Grape Crush has gone private. What this means is not I can say whatever the fuck I want and show wayyy more pictures of naked old men.  Also available to me now is the ability to not make up worthless nicknames to pseudo-conceal people.  I'll probably do that anyway. Yeah you seen it, CyBorg. 


"I mean i can definitely see myself marrying this girl, so everyone else should just back off."
C-Mac is rumored to have gone to a volleyball game with S.U.F.G. and has become visibly rattled at the competition's persistence.  Hope you got that shit on lock for homecoming...



"Dude - spitting so much game at ('Legs Fur Days')" - Pussyhands, who was complimented on his swag by the object of his desire.  It will be interesting to see how this turns out, as Hands's usual method of luring women is by convincing the public that he's gay first so other males don't see him as a threat.